“I’m sorry, you’ve been outsourced”

Plenty of themes have run rampant for us this season: broken tools on the scale of Sodom and Gomorrah (I had to look up the spelling), two of the seven plagues of Egypt (one was deer right?), and an ever increasing feeling of David and Goliath (OK! OK! I know nothing of theology, geeze!). Above all though, torpidity has reigned supreme. What started as a land rush of excitement and laughter has diluted slowly into the drudgery that apparently is real gardening. It’s obvious that none of us are botanists or horticulturalists. In fact, the closest thing we have to a green thumb is fumbling with dyed beer on St. Patrick’s Day. It hasn’t crushed our spirits, but it certainly has stymied our fervor. As winter approached, we found that none of us had the will to “finish the job” so to speak and bury the vines. As we stared at one another across the table made geometric by a series of red rings from sloppy drinking and a lack of coasters, we made a solemn decision: to outsource the hell out of our problems.

Cue the deus ex machina…

We paid a local gardener to solve our woes and bury the vines for the winter. The cost was a pittance and the peace of mind was beyond value. The biggest challenge though, is how to tell people that we effectively “outsourced” the work on a backyard vineyard without sounding like stuck up dolts. The answer is its impossible, even when you consider it cost us less to have them do it than to do it ourselves. I fear we’ve crossed a line from humble to pretentious all for the sake of not wanting to do a little hard labor. This is a far cry from the weekend before when we invaded the vineyard like Visigoths. I’m told there’s still a field scarred by the wood chips of our thousand futile axe swings. So I guess we’ll just have to accept coming off as yuppies even as I write this from a 400 sq. ft. apartment. Drat.


Jane said they look like little graves… gulp

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4 thoughts on ““I’m sorry, you’ve been outsourced”

  1. I’m still laughing as I look out at all of our as yet unburied vines here in south Jersey – which are covered with frost this morning! Good call up there in Canada!

  2. Hiring someone who does a one time only job for you… is not a Yuppie thing to do. A yuppie thing to do would be to hire a broke couple to make wine *for you* and you only– then tell all your friends that you made it yourself.

    I’ve been contemplating trying my hand at fermentation, but I feel like I’d be more like the OB in the delivery room rather than a new mom. 🙂 If you raise the grapes, and cask the wine yourself, well… that’s being both at once– which is pretty awesome. Kudos for growing your own vines!

    • Haha I suppose you’re right, at least a hope so. I have an irrational fear of becoming a yuppie. I can’t wait for the fermentation phase, it looks like a lot a fun. We were thinking of doing a whole bunch of small barrels and trying different styles.

      Thanks for your kind words as well!

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