Do Not Accept Cheques From This Deer


Vagabonds, vandals, and furry demons from the ninth circle of hell… that’s the circle for treachery right? While last week I wrote lightly on the deer casually om nom nom-ing on our vineyard, this week my keyboard is filled with spite (and dust I should probably clean). They came from some pan-dimensional vortex on the cleft hooves of evil while we were left unawares in scattered Toronto abodes. Ever seen that scene from Gone with the Wind where everyone lies around suffering? Imagine that but with vines and grow tubes. Or conversely, try watching Sex In The City 2: Lost in New York. The deer could not get past the grow tubes that held the main stalk of the vines but they could certainly harangue the vines by taking anything that peeked above the plastic trenches. We were humbled again by nature showing how categorically callous it can be towards our ambition to be self-sustainable in our inebriation.

So we suffered from a bit of viticultural hubris and left them unguarded, what of it? I guess we imagined ourselves as the Switzerland of vineyards. You know, kinda quirky, kinda fun, and kinda holding all of our money. Instead we ended up being some sort of Amsterdam red light district for deer hedonism. Wylie (our resident kook) thought we should counter the deer by inviting wolves over for tea, but that seemed like it would end badly. Alex (chief of security) wanted to set up a live web cam for the vineyard to catch the deer in action but that seemed voyeuristic. Neither seem feasible partly because I lack solar panels to power a web cam and partly because I don’t know what kind of tea to serve wolves. The vines however seemed to survive the violence though and may yet still live.

We did get our first sniff of frost this week though; it appears we’ll have to expedite our winterizing. For the record, we have no idea what we’re doing in this regard. Bonne chance.

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , | 4 Comments

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4 thoughts on “Do Not Accept Cheques From This Deer

  1. Andrew Barkman

    Me thinks you are in need of some deer dispersal devices. Perhaps I could lend some wisdom next time you go up.

    My dad uses a hedge of rosemary around his roses. Supposedly it works. You could always just invite some hunters and have venison on hand.

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